Still no new snow, but the temperature is too cold for the snow on the ground to melt.

Orpington is still broody.  I’ve been locking her (and the other chickens) out of the coop during the day, hoping that will be enough to cool down her body temp and snap her out of it.  Hasn’t worked so far.

Had blood drawn this morning (day 4 of menstrual cycle) for fertility treatment.  Something to do with checking follicle development.

 

Found myself on the verge of crying throughout the day.  No rhyme nor reason to it — listening to the radio, eating my sandwich… I didn’t feel sad, though, and no tears came, just the motions of crying.  Strange.

1 legbar egg, today.  No dead chickens.  Still snow on the ground.

Wasn’t stressed at work, today, which was nice.  Usually this means the next day is stressful.

C is going to be going through IVF the same time as me.  Yay!  This is her second time around.  Z [her daughter] is the result of her first round.*

*NB: this is…interesting…to look back on.  It was great to know that a friend was going to be going through IVF with at the same time I was.  Mutual support and all that.   It’s the second fact that set me up for a fall: C became pregnant the first time around so I would, too, of course!  Or so said Hope and Blinders.

Period started.  Off to visit friends for the weekend.  Woke up to four inches of fresh, powdery snow.

I dreamt of children last night: a girl first and then a boy, in quick succession.  (Not twins.)

 * * * *

Was just browsing the dictionary and found the word ‘dree’, which is new to me.

dree (v) (Scottish or archaic): endure (something burdensome or painful)

Have been feeling down the whole day, especially right now.  There is a constant ache in the centre of my chest.  I don’t notice it all the time, but it’s always there.  I don’t enjoy my job.  My heart breaks once every 27 days.  My father-in-law is gone.  G and I live in a trailer and have so very much to do before we’re out of it.  One hundred-thousand small obstacles to overcome.  One hundred-thousand paper-cuts.

I never saw myself here.  Especially the job.  I could never foresee remaining in a job that sucks the joy out of life.  It used to be something that was not an option, because I only get one chance at life.  Cliched, yes, but true.  But right now, me having a well-paying job is so very useful.  It’s a means to an end*: mortgage free, sooner; vacations and seeing my family; feeling like I’m pulling my financial weight in the relationship.  But on a day-to-day basis, it doesn’t compensate.  And I don’t know how long the day-to-day will last, when the future where life is good and easy will arrive. [*N.B. What I did not write down was that the excellent maternity cover was also keeping me with my employer.  I couldn’t bring myself to put that down on paper, just in case…]

You will tell me that life is not ever easy: what makes it easy is what you focus on.  Of that, I am of two minds.

There was a time when I believed the latter with all my heart.  I still mostly believe it, but my job is constantly demanding my attention.  I can’t shut it off, even when I leave the building.  My workload — what has yet to b done, what is behind — is constant and nagging.

Twice, one year apart, I have told my boss that there is too much to do for the one-and-a-bit people she has allocated.  Nothing changed and nothing will change.  I have to change.  I have to make the decision to change.  I have to change jobs.  [N.B.  I didn’t.]

But what do I go to?  I used to believe that I would be happy with admin, but have since become quite jaded.  Can I bear another such job?  Will I be happy in it?  It can’t be worse, can it?  Can it?

Right.  So, I am unhappy.  What am I going to do about it?  Make a decision.  What are you going to do about it?

Re-read December 8th’s entry.  “Hope is sister to my bitterness” would have been more eloquent.

Still not pregnant, but not as much bitterness and despair since I received the letter from the fertility clinic for our first appointment.  Had to postpone it for a month, though, because G is in Abu Dhabi for work until mid-February.